Letting go

This morning my 8 year old son complained of ear pain. He should really go out for theatre. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mock his pain he’s just really convincing and goes from 0 – to – OMG the universe is about to explode in 4 seconds flat. The problem is, inside, beneath the don’t-show-anyone-but-Jared-that-I’m-gonna-freak-out mom exterior, I ride that rocket ship with him.

It’s not his fault. He must feel my vibe. It’s not mine either, it’s cellular memory.

You see, when it comes to his urgent care needs I lose my shit. Fast. And I am pretty sure I programmed him to that vibe early on. It’s not that I am more cautious with him than my 3 girls. Though they will have like… a finger dangling and saunter in all, “Hey, mom I think I need a band-aid” — It’s just embedded deep in my cellular memory.

It’s super easy for me to ride his rocket ship of doom because I immediately jump a parallel ride that I rode with my son Max, 11 years ago and the cellular memory of his death… it sticks. I’ll talk more about this another time as it related to seasons, smells and sounds but that’s another focus all together.

With urgent care needs and my son I mask and disguise my concern  as parental worry but really, its a deep seated fear that something is wrong and I won’t be able to control the outcome. This is where letting go comes in.

But let’s be real, letting go isn’t always as easy as it seems it should be. And, don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about letting go of my son Max I am talking about letting go of that hook I have – I am talking about separating Max’s story from my 8 year old’s… I’m talking about letting go of that string of fear.

So, I pulled out the otoscope and I trusted my husband when he said it’s probably just a minor ear infection. And since you don’t mess with ears, we are taking him to the Dr. but not to the ER.

You see, I’m working on it.

Letting go is something that we should practice more. Letting go of that bad relationship. Letting go of anger. Letting go of limiting beliefs. Letting go of guilt. Letting go of the bad feelings. And even, releasing the strings of trauma. But letting go isn’t always as simple as deciding “I’m letting go of this!” (Though sometimes it can be!)

We hang onto trauma, memories, experiences, vibrations, connections not just in our minds but also in our physical bodies and our soul. It’s a process. And it always includes self compassion, love, acceptance, and trust. Trust in things beyond that which you can hold.

Sometimes, the best we can do is breathe. And trust.

 

 

2 Replies to “Letting go”

  1. OMG I never really thought about this but something similar for me.. when I hear an infant crying out in public (you know that cry.. its a little different than an older baby.. more intense I think) I literally start getting a mini panic feeling, sweat, and get BO.. brings me back so quickly to my daughter’s infancy and the constant despair I felt with PPD.. like I was running from a freight train barreling down on me to escape the utter hopelessness that these feelings will never end and the days wont get better.. it was awful 🙁 So grateful I made it through with a lot of help love and support XO

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